Horizon Road
by butterflie
Summary: This is the lack of control, slipping in his mind... AuronxTidus. Pre-game.
1. reckless abandon

Disclaimer:Final Fantasy X belongs to Squaresoft.

Author's Notes: Another Auron and Tidus fanfic from me, a bit different than what I've done previously. Edited and re-uploaded chapter. Oh, and I guess it should be mentioned that this contains spoilers if you haven't finished the game, so read at your own risk.

Horizon Road  
by:butterflie  
chapter one : reckless abandon

He was staring again.

The realization hit him with a sudden pang, and he swore softly, frustrated at himself. The swear caught the attention of the subject of his stare, and a blond head jerked up, a faintly curious look on his face.

"You say somethin' Auron?" Tidus asked, blinking innocently, having no idea that he was being watched so intently only moments before.

Auron just shook his head, turning away from Tidus and trying to focus his attention once more on the papers before him. Tidus just shrugged and went back to scribbling in his notebook, working on the latest essay assignment he'd received.

Dammit. One of these days Tidus was going to catch him staring, and given his inquisitive nature, start asking a bunch of questions, and then--

No way. Auron would rather die, again, before letting Tidus find out that he-- He felt his face heat up, ever so slightly, and he swallowed, staring down hard at the table, willing it to go away. What was wrong with him? How could he have let himself get attracted to Jecht's son? It was madness, it was--

Utter insanity. Tidus was just _fifteen_, still a boy for Yevon's sake. Never mind that he was physically filling out a lot faster than his friends, never mind that he had skin so tan and smooth, practically begging to be caressed, never mind that he had eyes as blue as the oceans of Spira, eyes that sparkled and shone with laughter when he was happy. Never mind the fact that his bleached blond hair, tinged with darker brownish strands kissed by the sun but still with just a hint of the original red shining through, looked so fine and silky that Auron longed to run his hands through it every time he looked at Tidus. Never mind that his slender frame was starting to take on a slightly muscular build from years of blitzing, never mind that--

He looked like Jecht. That was what fascinated Auron most about him, that Tidus and Jecht could be so different and still so alike. Not so much in physical looks, though there was something in his face and the frame of his body that just barely hinted at the man who had sired him. No, it was in his movements, the way Tidus moved throughout the world with such fluid grace and confidence, so sure of himself that he could do no wrong. It was there in the way he played blitzball. Auron had watched Jecht, once, when they'd stopped in Besaid and Jecht had been unable to resist showing off a few of his moves to the local team. Jecht had been all speed and elegance and dexterity, attitude cocky but almost childlike in its cheerfulness as he'd jumped in the air after the blitzball he'd flung up so carelessly. It had about taken Auron's breath away, to see the man who always swaggered and stumbled around clumsily in a drunken stupor, and whose movements in battle were sometimes sluggish and ungainly at times; it took Auron's breath away to see this Jecht who was suddenly an entirely different person, one he hadn't known at all. One he hadn't thought existed.

Tidus was like that. He'd inherited his father's skills in blitzball, and it showed in every practice, every game he played. Auron had watched him often, and he was only reminded more and more of Jecht as Tidus played. It was what had originally drawn him to his young charge, that startling resemblance to Jecht, even if it hurt every time he looked at Tidus and was forced to see Jecht. It hadn't been quite so obvious when Tidus was younger of course, but it slowly became more and more evident as Tidus grew up, got older.

Furtively, he slid his eye back over to the blond on the couch, hunched over his notebook, pencil flying furiously as he wrote, face furrowed in concentration. He paused for a moment, lifting the pencil to his mouth to absently chew on it, then gave the notebook an angry scowl. Auron had seen that same scowl on Jecht a few times over the course of their pilgrimage. Usually when Auron refused to do something he wanted.

"Is something wrong?"

"Huh?" He jerked, startled out of his sorrowful reminiscing by the sound of Tidus' voice. Shit. He'd been staring again.

"Is something wrong?" Tidus repeated. "You were looking at me funny..."

Another of those head shakes. "Sorry." He didn't bother to explain, to give an excuse for staring at Tidus. There really wasn't any.

Tidus paused. "Okay," he said at last, sounding as if it wasn't okay with him at all.

Auron had to resist the urge to groan.

xxx

"You're wet."

"Well, duh." Tidus grinned. "It's raining out there. Rain generally gets a person wet." He shook his head, flinging blond hair this way and that, sending droplets of rain water flying all over everything--including Auron.

Auron scowled at him, not pleased in the least, but Tidus only grinned again. "I'm going to go shower. Hope this storm stops soon..."

Auron couldn't help but notice the bit of nervousness he heard in Tidus' last statement, and he watched as Tidus headed down the hall to the bathroom, dripping water the entire way. He frowned. For as long as Auron had been in Zanarkand, Tidus had always been afraid of thunderstorms. Never having been around kids before, with the exception of little Yuna for about a month or so as they'd prepared for Braska's pilgrimage, Auron had assumed this fear of storms was something most kids had, and easily outgrew as they got older. Certainly he couldn't remember being afraid of storms as a child. But to his surprise, Tidus hadn't outgrown it. He no longer came into Auron's room in the middle of the night to huddle under the covers during a storm, and he no longer cried when loud claps of thunder shook the houseboat, but they still made him nervous and jumpy. They still scared him. Oh, he'd tried to hide it from Auron, acting as if nothing bothered him when dark clouds would start gathering in the sky, pretending the thunder and lightning and harsh winds of storms didn't make him jump with fright. Auron didn't understand what was behind this inexplicable fright, nor did he ever bother to ask. He only reacted, to those rare times when Tidus came to him for comfort.

It was still something he found strange. Him, _Auron_, comforting someone. A child, no less. Jecht's son. The absurdity of it all never failed to amaze him. Jecht had accused him of being heartless and unfeeling once, in the beginning of their journey, and before their relationship. Auron couldn't remember what he'd been talking about--something to do with Zanarkand, or his kid, most likely--but it had irritated him no end. He'd cut off the man midsentence, telling him to shut up because nobody cared. Entirely unlike him, but he'd said it anyways. Jecht hadn't taken it too well, not used to being interrupted.

It was another thing Tidus had in common with Jecht, now that he thought about it. They both liked to talk and talk and talk, if you'd let them. And you'd better have a very good excuse for interrupting. It used to drive Auron crazy, the way Tidus had constantly wanted to talk at him when he'd first come to Zanarkand. Even though Tidus professed not to like "the tall scary funny dressed man" very much, he'd still just ramble on about almost anything to Auron, never really caring whether Auron was _listening_ or not. And Auron hadn't been listening, not at first. Then the boy's mother had died, and Tidus had talked more than ever, cheerful even, as if his mother's death had meant nothing to him. Eventually Auron realized Tidus was talking not because he particularly wanted you to know what he was saying, but because he was lonely. Because he couldn't stand the silence, and had to fill it in, even if he didn't realize that's what he was doing. And so, gradually, Auron had started listening and responding. Suddenly, he found he was less annoyed with Tidus' idle prater once he actually listened. It was almost.. nice, to have something to focus his attention on and not have to think about the things he regretted, all the mistakes he'd left behind in Spira. Tidus also talked about Jecht sometimes, though not often and when he did the memories were tinged with resentment and anger at the father who had treated him so poorly.

There were often questions, too. Tidus wanted to know so much--about Auron, about where he came from, about why he was so old, about where he got the scar, about why he wore funny clothes, about his glasses, about how he knew Jecht, about what happened to Jecht... the questions went on and on, day after day after day, never-ending it seemed. He never knew how to answer any of them, not sure how much a nine year old was actually really _interested_ in any of those answers, or if he was asking just to be asking. So he'd make weak excuses, or tell the poor child it was none of his business, or that it was rude to ask, and more often than not Tidus would get an affronted look on his face, he'd let out a huff and then scrunch up his face in what he considered an intimidating glare, all the while trying to hold back tears of disappointment and hurt at Auron's gruffly spoken words. But still he kept asking, over and over again.

A loud, angry curse filtered out from the bathroom where the shower had just shut off. Auron raised an eyebrow, somewhat surprised. Not at the curse itself, he'd heard much worse from his own mouth, but that Tidus had said it at all. Tidus wasn't usually given to use such words. In fact, he frowned half the time when Auron would mutter such curses to himself. Perhaps they were too painful a reminder of a brash, drunken father whose way of showing affection was insulting the son he cared for.

He half considered getting up and going to see if Tidus was okay; that would indicate concern on his part though, and he tried to do that as little as possible, hoping that perhaps if he kept enough distance he wouldn't be as attracted to Tidus as he already was. So he took the easier option--as in, it was much easier to stay seated on the couch staring moodily at the wall; he left Tidus alone.

But oh, how it never seemed to matter. No matter how much distance he put between himself and Tidus, it was always there--that steadily growing lust, burning a fire low down in his stomach and making him ache with desire whenever he looked at the boy. It was maddening, it was shaming, but it existed. He wanted Tidus, wanted him _fiercely_, fantasizing daydreams that left him seized with guilt and a sense of betrayal to Jecht. He'd told himself, had sworn, that he wouldn't want anyone other than Jecht. Certainly he hadn't come to Zanarkand expecting to start up a relationship with some random person who wasn't even real--it should have been easy. Grieving over Braska's death and Jecht's becoming Sin, who would even want to think about romance, especially when one has just lost a lover and met with his own death all in the course of a few days? But he hadn't counted on Tidus, hadn't counted on that gangly, clumsy little boy to grow into such a resemblance of Jecht that Auron could scant resist him.

Why had he made that damn promise to Jecht anyways? The last thing he'd wanted was to get saddled raising some emotional kid that wasn't even his _own_--

"You should try smiling once in awhile. You might like it."

Auron grunted, and looked up to retort something, but whatever he'd planned to say got lost in the rush of desire and the quick breath he sucked in as Tidus stood in front of him. He was practically naked, in nothing but a pair of sleeping shorts he'd outgrown two years back but couldn't bring himself to get rid of. His body was still wet from the shower he'd just taken, Auron could see the drops of water glistening on all that tan skin as the lights hit his body just so. He was standing there nonchalantly in the doorway to the living room, a towel over his wet hair, rubbing vigourously. The only word Auron could find to describe the teenager before him was _stunning_.

And immediately the shame and guilt and betrayal washed over him again, and he looked away, silently cursing himself once more, because really, he shouldn't be feeling this way about a fifteen year old, it wasn't right, and there was his relationship with Jecht to think about...

But he couldn't seem to help it. Jecht was faraway, and Jecht was.. Jecht was dead, for all intents and purposes. Jecht was Sin, and Jecht would never be Jecht again, and he would be killed for the next Calm, and Auron would never get to feel Jecht's warm body pressing against his again. And yet Tidus was here, alive as a dream could be alive. And he couldn't stop wanting.

"Auron? Man, what's with you... you keep spacing out."

"Thinking," Auron said quietly, only half paying attention to the conversation.

"'Bout what?" Tidus finished toweling his hair and tossed it back into the hallway, typical teenager. He came up behind Auron sitting on the couch, leaning down and wrapping his long arms around Auron's neck.

Auron tensed, and moved away from Tidus' well-meaning embrace, uncomfortable with any kind of contact from Tidus. "It's nothing," he said, not wanting to open up to Tidus. Not even sure that he knew how to open up about his thoughts anymore, he so rarely did. The last person he'd even trusted to talk openly with the slightest bit had been... Jecht. Eight years ago. It felt longer. It felt like a century. Or an eon.

"You're thinking about Jecht, aren't you."

"...No."

"Liar." Tidus came around the side of the couch, stopping when he was standing in front of Auron, looking down slightly at him. "Why won't you ever talk about my old man? How did you meet him, really? And what happened to him? I'm not asking much. I just want to know.."

He looked away from the boy in front of him, guilt crashing over him in waves at the pain he could hear in Tidus' voice. "When you're older," he said.

"That's what you always say!" Tidus cried, exploding in sudden anger. Auron actually winced. "So tell me Auron, when am I going to be older? When am I finally going to be old enough for you to tell me the truth about my old man? Because at the rate you tell me things now, I'll never be old enough!"

"I'm sorry." He felt like a jerk, being this way to Tidus. But he couldn't very well tell the truth to Tidus yet. Even if Tidus felt he could handle it, even if he thought he was old enough--well, he just didn't know how to explain it. Nor did he think Tidus would believe the truth if he told him.

"I..." The blond lowered his head, shoulders slumping in defeat, knowing that once again he wouldn't be getting the truth out of Auron. "I just wish I knew what happened to him.. It hurts, not knowing whether he's really dead or not, not knowing where he's at and what he's doing..."

It was the most Auron had ever heard Tidus say about his father, and the guilt continued to prick at him. "Tidus-"

"It doesn't seem fair, that you get to know what happened, and that I don't." Tidus still wouldn't look at him. Auron knew the boy was crying. Remorseful, he almost reached out to pull Tidus close and hug him, to let his actions say what his words could not. But he thought better of it then; even if it was just comfort, it would be too much. He was afraid to touch Tidus, afraid that one day he wouldn't be able to hold back and what he felt would breach the surface, his control gone and Tidus beneath him--

It was not a pleasant thought to have, to think he might actually one day be capable of hurting Jecht's son in such a way. It made him sick, and afraid, and so he tried to keep to himself as much as possible.

Perhaps Tidus unconsciously sensed what Auron was thinking; he backed away slightly, swiping a hand at his eyes in embarrassment, still not looking up at his guardian. "Sorry," he muttered.

"It's fine. Are you hungry?" Auron asked, deliberately changing the subject, hoping to distract Tidus from Jecht and dispel the sudden awkwardness that seemed to have settled over them.

"Yeah!" Tidus looked up at last, a small grin starting to make its way across his face. "Can we have pizza?"

"Sure." Auron allowed himself a rare small smile, and the conversation was forgotten.

xxx

The storm worsened later on that night, a particularly deafening clap of thunder waking Tidus and sending him scurrying toward his guardian's room in fright.

Auron had been sleeping easily through the storm, but the creaking of the bedroom door woke him. He opened his eye, looking towards the doorway though he was pretty sure he knew what he'd see, and sure enough, Tidus was standing in the doorway, a silhouette just backlit from the moonlight snaking its way in through the window of Auron's room. He remained motionless for some moments, apparently trying to determine whether Auron was awake or asleep. Auron sighed. "It's okay Tidus. Come on," and Tidus continued into the room, tentatively standing next to Auron's bed. He shifted over, making plenty of room for the teen, and Tidus got in next to him, cuddling up next to him, less frightened and at last able to sleep.

With Tidus asleep once more, Auron lay very still in bed, trying hard not to think about the warm soft body pressing up against him, or how much it reminded him of lying next to Jecht at nights, bodies flushed with the exertion of their love making, the cool night air of Spira settling over them as they cuddled together, Jecht's arm tight around him as he'd lay his head on Jecht's shoulder and close his eyes in contentment, lulled to sleep by the low murmur of Jecht's voice whispering to him. Instead he tried to think of tame things, such as what Spira was possibly like now. It felt like forever since he'd last seen his home world, and he missed it terribly. The dream Zanarkand was nice in that there weren't ever truly bad things here (though he supposed it depended on how you would define 'bad'; certainly Tidus would disagree with him), but it was still so strange and foreign. The many machina and technology here that Spira lacked and considered sinful made him all too aware of his status as an outsider, as one who didn't belong here. It was uncomfortable, being surrounded by all this, and sometimes he felt like he was being smothered by the tall buildings of Zanarkand when he had to go into the city. Out here on the houseboat, by the docks and the water, it was _just_ tolerable so as to be liveable. But still, he missed Spira. He missed the fresh cool air of windy breezes on a cloudy day, missed the trees and the sun and the clouds and all of the _greenness_ of the scenery that was Spira that Zanarkand lacked so obviously. There were few green things here that Auron had seen, and the clouds and stars and sky were so shrouded by the heavy pollution of a machina-based city that they might as well not have been there. Nor was the air fresh and wonderful to breathe--it tasted stale, full of exhaust fumes and chemicals and pollution. He didn't understand how the people here could stand to breathe it, except that he knew that they knew no other air. But mostly what he missed about Spira was the _familiarity_. Despite all the hardships it held, despite the painful memories of his life gone horribly wrong in his last few weeks of being alive, despite Sin and prejudices and sorrow and fear.. despite all of that, it was home. _His_ home. It was where he had belonged once, where he should have stayed to die, where he would have let himself die if not for the promises made to Braska and Jecht. Here, in this innocent and somewhat idealistic Zanarkand, nothing was familiar and never fully would be, no matter how long he ended up living here with Tidus. He could only hope that it wasn't too much longer, because he was old, and tired, and worn out with living on borrowed time.

Tidus shifted slightly next to him, muttering something in his sleep, jerking Auron painfully back to the present, to the here-and-now. He sighed, once more all too aware of the teenager next to him. He hadn't had the heart to tell Tidus he was too old to come and sleep with him now, nor did he have the heart to kick Tidus out of his bed, though it meant he wouldn't be getting any sleep for the rest of the night. He wouldn't let himself sleep, for he was too afraid of what he might do if he did. He was scared that one day he would wake up and Tidus would be next to him, used and broken. He didn't trust himself around Tidus.

Outside, the storm raged on, and Auron lay in bed, wide awake and afraid.

xxx

The next day seemed to give no hint of the storm that had ravaged the city so fiercely the night before. The sunlight made a rare presence, breaking through the clouds of pollution that hung over the city, spreading its warmth and cheerfulness throughout Zanarkand.

Tidus himself seemed to be cheerful enough, the fear of the storm and his hurt at Auron's ambiguousness concerning Jecht forgotten. Or, more likely, Auron mused, he was hyped up about the blitz game today. Hyped up and nervous. Tidus had told him, repeated times over the week, that professional blitzers would be hidden throughout the crowds at the game, scouting out the players and measuring their skills and talents. And Tidus desperately wanted to prove his worth. It was what he'd spent his entire life working towards--being the best blitzball star ever, better even than his father. Sometimes Auron wondered if he would have worked so hard for that goal if Jecht had never disappeared. In all likelihood, he thought not. Jecht probably would have eventually destroyed his confidence and eagerness over the years until Tidus was convinced that he was as worthless as he believed Jecht thought him. He never would have realized that Jecht simply wanted to show him the view from the top, to make his son into a star.

"Auron are you coming to my game today? Huh, are ya? You are, right? You have to!"

Auron blinked at the sheer amount of energy Tidus was exhibiting. "Do you want me to?" he asked, though he already knew the answer to that. He was just merely stalling, trying to come up with an excuse not to go. Not that he didn't enjoy watching Tidus play, he just hated having to go to the school's stadium, being surrounded by so many cheering and competitive parents and students alike. Sometimes they were almost downright _violent_ in the yells for their friends and kids.

Tidus grinned at him, trying to work out whether he should take Auron's question as a yes or not. "Yeah! Of course I want you there! Please say you'll come!" he begged, before shoveling another forkful of breakfast into his mouth.

"Well..." Auron cast around in his mind for an excuse, none forthcoming. He looked at Tidus, who was gazing at him in hopeful eagerness, eyes shining and face nothing but a wide grin. And he couldn't do it, couldn't break the boy's heart. "I'll be there."

"Yeah!" Tidus cheered ecstatically, jumping up to give his guardian a hug. "You're the best Auron!"

Auron clumsily hugged him back quickly, then gently pushed Tidus back away from him, trying not to let his feelings show on his face so clearly. Lust flared back up again, intensely, and he just as vehemently shoved it back down, swallowing hard, trying not to let himself realize just how badly he wanted the teenager standing before him, a slightly puzzled look on his face now at Auron's actions.

"You'll be late for school if you don't hurry," Auron reminded him.

"Huh? Right!" Tidus said, already racing down the hall to his room to get dressed. Auron shook his head. So easily distracted, Tidus was.

xxx

"GO RAMIE!"

"COME ON NINTHE YOU CAN DO IT!"

Auron winced, and fought the urge to rub his temples, where a rather painful headache was starting to announce its presence, loudly. God, he hated this. Blitzball fans in Spira surely weren't this bad, were they? He shifted away from an overzealous woman sitting next to him, cheering wildly for her son, trying to make the gesture look more casual than it was. Of course, it didn't really help, because sitting on his other side was an equally fanatic mother, yelling and shouting and waving her arms about just as wildly.

Why had Tidus asked him to this, again? And why had he gone? He cursed his weakness for Jecht's son, and cursed Jecht for asking this of him.

"DON'T LET HIM GET THE BALL AEDEN!"

That did it. Standing, Auron carefully made his way from the seat and away from the stadium, stopping at the doorway to watch Tidus from there instead. Anywhere to get away from the overly-crazed mothers. The game was almost over anyways. Past halftime, and only two minutes left. Tidus' team was leading 5-2, and they currently had the ball. He watched as Tidus swam after some kid on his team, headed for the goal. Three kids from the opposing team surrounded the kid with the ball, and Tidus swam farther away, to give his teammate a better chance for a pass. He did, tossing it with perfect accuracy in Tidus' direction. Another player intercepted it, but he fumbled it and Tidus was after the ball like a shot, snatching it up and swimming furiously to the end of the sphere, wanting to make a goal before the time ran out on them.

Much later, back at the houseboat, Tidus was still gloating over the spectacular sphere shot he'd made, his first successful one ever. All his talk about the game was starting to get on Auron's nerves, but Auron refrained himself from telling Tidus to be quiet, knowing Tidus didn't mean anything by it. He was merely seeking approval, wanting to be reassured that he'd done well.

"Hey, you saw me, right Auron?"

"Of course," Auron replied absently, attention more on the book he was holding than on Tidus.

"It was a great shot, right?"

"Mmhmm."

"I bet it was much better than my old man ever did! Man, it was awesome! We _killed_ the other team!" There was a pause, and then Tidus asked, in a much quieter voice, "Auron? Did you ever see Jecht play blitzball?"

Auron looked up sharply, mind flashing back briefly to that day on Besaid.. Jecht flying through the air as he performed what he always liked to call the Sublimely Magnificent Jecht Shot Mark III. "No," Auron said after a moment's hesitation which he hoped Tidus didn't notice. "I never saw him play."

Tidus frowned. "You don't sound sure about that.." A thought struck him. "Hey, does blitzball even exist where you come from?"

Auron sighed; this was going to be another endless round of Tidus' questions. "Yes, we had blitzball."

"Cool. Did'ja ever play it?"

Auron raised an eyebrow as he looked at Tidus, a mixture of amusement and disbelief written on his face. "No."

"Why not?"

"I don't know, Tidus.." Auron said wearily.

"Oh." He ran a hand through blond strands, thinking. "Well, what's blitzball like there? Is it the same as here?"

"Well..." Auron paused to think, trying to recall Luca in his mind. He'd been to the city so little, and there had been no reason to stop but briefly at Luca on Braska's journey. Probably the last time he'd _really_ seen the city was when he'd been Tidus' age. "There's only one blitzball stadium in the entire country. It's located in the middle of a city, and it's smaller than Zanarkand's, and great yearly tournaments are held there, with almost everybody coming from all over to go and watch the different teams compete. The rest of the year the teams spend practicing."

It had been the most Auron ever said at once, and the most ever about the place he'd lived in before Zanarkand. Tidus stared at him in something akin to awe. "Sounds neat," he managed to say at last. Auron almost smiled.

"Did you really never see Jecht play?" came the next question, some minutes later.

"Why do you want to know so badly?" Auron asked him, not really wanting to lie again.

"I dunno." Tidus shrugged and looked down, idly tracing the patterns in the fabric of the couch with his finger. "I just wanted to know."

Auron could hear the unspoken end of that sentence: _how good I am compared to him_. It had been the one thing Tidus had truly worked for since he was seven years old and barely able to kick a blitzball. He wanted to be better than Jecht, to prove that he wasn't as bad as Jecht thought him, to show Jecht that he could make something of himself, though Jecht would never be around to see it.

"Would it really make a difference, to know if you are better than Jecht or not?"

Tidus inhaled a sharp breath, jerking his head up quickly to look Auron in the eye before lowering his gaze again. "Yes! ...No. I don't know." He sounded lost and confused, and Auron's heart went out to him.

"How well Jecht could play blitzball has nothing to do with you. You've got your own talent, work on improving that. Don't worry about Jecht."

Tidus was silent, digesting this. "My own talent, huh?" he said, very softly. He looked back up at Auron, who was looking evenly at him. There was a silence for a bit, and Auron wondered what Tidus was thinking about. "Auron..."

At most, Auron expected him to say something along the lines of a thank you. It would have made him slightly uncomfortable, but he could accept it. He was, however, entirely _not_ prepared for what Tidus did do next.

Tidus kissed him.

It was clumsy, and hesitant, a teenager's first kiss, shy and unsure. His nose bumped against Auron's, and he accidentally knocked Auron's dark glasses askew. But his mouth was soft as it pressed lightly against Auron's own rough lips, and for one wonderful moment it was heaven. Then Auron came back to his senses, shoving Tidus somewhat not-so-gently off of him.

"What," he asked with as much calmness as he could muster, "what are you doing?" He didn't dare let himself show how confused and thrown-off he was by Tidus' sudden action, an action that was so random compared to the conversation they'd just had, an action that had nothing to do with anything.

"I.." for some reason Tidus didn't look as scared as he should be. He looked smug, as if he knew something Auron didn't. "I want you," he said simply, the words as casual as if he'd said blitzball was a water sport, or he lived in a houseboat out by the docks.

Auron stared at him, brain trying to assimilate those words and rearrange them so they made sense. He hardly dared to let himself believe that what Tidus was saying was true; rather, that Tidus really knew what he was saying. He stared, all his past fantasies flooding back to the front of his mind, unleashed by that one kiss that by rights could barely be called a real kiss at all, so inexperienced it had been. And he wanted Tidus, wanted to take him right there. And he knew that Tidus would let him. Knew that, if he were to do so, Tidus would let him undress him and run his hands all over that lithe, firm body, caressing the smooth skin he'd ached to touch for three years now. He knew Tidus would not protest as he explored every inch of his body with his hands and tongue, that Tidus would only moan and gasp his name when he entered him. But--he could not. He could _not_. "Tidus."

Tidus was only looking at him, waiting patiently. Auron went on. "Tidus, no. You.. I cannot, it's-" _Yevon give me strength_, he thought.

"Why not?" Tidus asked. "I know you want me too. I could tell."

Had he really been so obvious? "Tidus, it's _wrong_."

Tidus furrowed his brow in confusion. "Why? I want you and you want me, what's wrong about that? I don't get it. You're not my parent."

Auron put a finger to his forehead, rubbing gently. So simple. Tidus saw things so simply. If only it were that easy. "Tidus, you're only fifteen years old. You can't possibly know what you want." He ignored the boy's scowl and spoke over Tidus' protest of 'but I do!' "I'm almost twice your age. I'm your guardian, I have to look out for you and do what's best for you." _And there's my relationship with Jecht._

"Yeah, but- I mean, it's not like you're related to me or anything. So why does it matter?"

"Tidus--no. It's not debatable. I'm sorry."

He stared at Auron a moment, then slid off the couch and disappeared out of the room without another word. Auron watched him go, still hardly believing he'd just had that conversation. Hating that he'd hurt Tidus but knowing there was nothing else to do. He knew Tidus would be in his room, crying. He yearned to go after him, to apologize and then give in to his desire, their desire. He wanted to sleep with the boy, wanted to so much that it was a physical ache, there in his chest. But he couldn't, wouldn't, for far too many reasons than he cared to think about.

xxx

The next few days were slightly awkward, though they seemed to be more so for Auron than for Tidus. Tidus seemed to be able to act as if nothing had happened between them, or that it didn't really matter. Auron couldn't brush it aside so easily; his thoughts were consumed once more with wanting Tidus, fantasizing about taking Tidus, initiating him into that mysterious adult world. Tidus seemed to know what he was thinking, he'd give his guardian odd little smiles at times; other times he'd be so purposely provocative that Auron's entire body would tense up with want, barely able to hold himself from jumping on Tidus and having him right there. Auron almost felt like the teenager he'd never really been, thoughts focused on sex twenty-four-seven.

He was ashamed to think he'd actually considered it, too. Had considered forgetting about what was right or wrong and just giving in to what his body wanted. It had been so long--eight years--and he was terribly lonely, Jecht was far away and all he could think about was this boy, Tidus, and how he _wanted_ him, and it tore at him, to want so fiercely and know he couldn't have him, not because Tidus wasn't willing but because it wasn't right, would never be _right_ no matter how he tried to justify it to himself--

He restrained himself though, keeping his distance from Tidus more than usual, avoiding the blond whenever possible. It wasn't really all that hard, Tidus was so busy with school and blitz practice that he wouldn't get home until it was dark. Then he'd eat, shower, do his homework and go to bed, wake up and repeat it all over again. Auron mostly just stayed out of his way, cooking dinner for him and then disappearing outside to practice with his sword, wanting to stay in form even if he never made it back to Spira. If he could have, he would have moved out of the houseboat, though it would have hurt Tidus more than words ever could. But he didn't, not because he couldn't stand to live in the city (though he couldn't), but because he didn't have the money to live on his own. All the money they'd been living on these years came from what Jecht had left behind, and what bit Tidus' mother had put away before her death. And occasionally Tidus would win money in blitz tournaments. It was enough to keep them going comfortably. Soon, though, Tidus would be playing professionally, earning his own money. Perhaps then Auron would move out. He knew it was really for the best.

He brought his sword down again, swinging heavily, the air around it whistling with the weight and force of his downward swing. He tensed suddenly, sensing Tidus behind him, standing there and looking at him. "What is it, boy?" he asked without turning around.

"Just watching," came the quiet reply.

Auron just grunted. He set his sword down, gently, on the ground, no longer able to concentrate with Tidus so near. He felt Tidus come up next to him, sitting down at the edge of the dock, letting his feet dangle over the side and in the water. He moved them in lazy circles, watching the water swirl around, lapping at his toes. After a moment's pause, Auron sat down stiffly next to him, knowing he shouldn't, knowing he was only playing with fire in letting himself remain so near this boy.

"That's really cool, you know?" Tidus asked softly. His fingers found some stray rope left behind, and started playing with it, looping it absently around his hand before moving to unloop it again, repeating the gesture as he talked.

"What is?"

"You, with that sword and all.. I wish I could do something like that. It's neat." The words themselves were cheerful enough, but the tone of Tidus' voice sounded subdued, putting Auron on his guard.

"Well thanks," Auron said somewhat dryly, not knowing what else to say. He hated compliments. Always had. It had been one of the things Jecht had always liked about him... No. He wouldn't go there. Not tonight. Not with Jecht's son sitting so near him.

The rope dropped to the ground, forgotten. "Auron, I--" He stopped, swallowed, looking away though Auron hadn't been looking at him. "Look, can you at least tell me why not?" He spoke roughly, his voice harsh, as though the words hurt to say. Perhaps they did.

Auron sighed. "Tidus, you're _fifteen_. You're still just a kid. You're too young to be ready for that at all, much less with me. And you're not really old enough to know what you want."

"I _do_, though. Auron. I want you. It doesn't really have anything to do with love... I'm not stupid enough to think something like that. But I _know_ that I want you. I think about it, about you, all the time. I imagine-"

"Stop," Auron said, glad the darkness would hide the heat he felt spreading across his face. "Stop it, Tidus. You don't know what you're saying."

"Yes I _do_," Tidus insisted with all the same stubbornness Auron had seen in Jecht, time after time. "Even if it's just one time, I want it. I want you to-" he stopped again, still young so that phrases like 'sleep with me' had the power to embarrass him, make him blush. "Well, you know," he finished up lamely, the heat in his voice lost in the rush of inadequacy he felt.

And again Auron considered it, telling himself--it couldn't be so wrong, really, could it? _Could it_? This was the question he had, and the answer he did not know. It was the answer he wanted most to know, and would never know, not even if he selfishly satisfied his passion, regardless of what he thought he knew to be best for Tidus. This was the lack of control, slipping in his mind as he stared at Tidus without once looking at him, wanting to know. Daring to hope he could convince himself. Despairing to know he would never forgive himself for it. For even thinking of it, for one brief moment.

"Auron..."

And at last he gave in. He turned towards the boy, the damnable boy who was so much like Jecht that it was torture on his mind. He faced him, and he put his hands on Tidus' shoulders, gripping them tightly, leaning in to press his lips forcefully against Tidus', bruising them almost, some small part of his mind hoping that the intensity of his want, his _need_, would scare Tidus off, and Tidus would say no, would say he'd changed his mind. But he knew even then it would be too late, for he was kissing Tidus, kissing him as if he was the only thing that mattered in this world, out here on the docks by the water, the air slightly fresher than anywhere else in Zanarkand; he knew that if Tidus were to say stop he would not, for Tidus had pushed, and Tidus had pleaded, and Auron's self-control had shattered. But he knew, too, that Tidus would not utter such a word, for Tidus' hands had, rather hesitantly, snaked up to wrap around Auron's neck as he kissed his guardian back tentatively, anxious and slightly scared.

Auron took him there, out on the docks in the darkness, the air gliding over their naked bodies as gently as Auron's fingers glided over the smooth skin he'd longed to touch for three painful years. He took him, murmuring words of comfort to Tidus as the boy cried out softly in confused fright, unused to his body's reactions, having never experienced anything remotely like this before. And still Tidus did not say stop, and so Auron did not, entering him slowly, doing his best to soothe the boy beneath him, taking care to hurt him as little as possible. Auron took him, and when it was over, Tidus lying on his back on the dock, body shuddering all over and breath harsh and shaky, looking up at the man above him almost wonderingly, he was ashamed.

_end chapter one_

Author's Notes: If there are any typos or inconsistencies in this, I'd appreciate it if someone could be kind enough to put them out to me. I've had trouble finding a beta reader, and don't have one as of yet. Having to rely on just myself to catch all the mistakes can sometimes be difficult.


	2. fantasy dream

Disclaimer: Nope, not mine. I'm just stea-err, borrowing them from Square :sweatdrop: 

Author's Notes: **horizon, n.** the limit of a person's mental perception, experience, or interest. **road, n.** a way to achieving a particular outcome.  
More AuronxTidus squishy goodness in this! Heheheh... :snickers:   
I decided to go ahead and upload the second chapter to this, because the three reviews I got for the first chapter were so positive and completely made my day! To deathrosekitty-actually, there are plans for this to run through the actual game :) And Eerian-don't worry, I do plan on writing much more of this before it's through! I'm glad you enjoyed it. So, I hope you guys enjoy chapter two! Chapter three isn't finished writing yet though, so it may be a bit.

Horizon Road  
by:butterflie  
chapter two : fantasy dream

He opened his eye, bits and pieces of the dream floating back into consciousness slowly. Or rather, it had been a fantasy turned dream. He'd seen it all so clearly on the docks last night, what would have happened if he'd given in to his desire, but he'd managed to hold himself back. Barely. Tidus hadn't been too happy about it, but it was for the best. That's what he had to keep telling himself, anyways. It was for the best. He didn't need to be bogged down with trying to raise a fifteen year old _and_ educating said adolescent in the finer points of sex and sexual relationships. Having to explain the basics to the boy when he'd been younger had been bad enough, and he'd botched that conversation horribly. He was pretty sure Tidus had eventually just went to a friend for that in the end, embarrassing as it must have been for him.

Tidus hadn't said much after Auron made it clear to him that the answer would always be no, but he hadn't gotten up and left this time either. So they'd sat in silence, Auron trying to shove the fantasy of taking Tidus on the dock completely out of his mind, getting irritated with himself when it didn't work too well. And he'd had the strangest sense the boy knew exactly what he was thinking, which was a most disconcerting feeling to have. Eventually, as it had grown darker and later, Auron had stood to go in, Tidus following him without any prompting. He'd started off going to his own room, but he'd shown up in Auron's doorway around two AM, standing as silently as he had the night of the storm. Auron had almost told him to go back to his own room, but there was just something about the way Tidus was standing there so silent and still, and once again his soft spot for Jecht's son took over and he hadn't the heart to send him away. So Auron had let him come over and climb into the bed next to him, and as Tidus got closer he could see the wetness on Tidus' face and knew he'd been crying, and he was altogether glad he hadn't sent him away. Tidus had stayed the next few hours, alternately sleeping and crying, which only served to remind Auron all over again how much of a child Tidus still was, despite how fast he was growing up or how provocative he had been of late. The blond had stole away about six, slipping as quietly back to his room as the same way he'd come in to Auron's. It was only then that Auron had let himself get some sleep, only it hadn't seemed to do him much good. He was exhausted.

Tidus appeared to be just as unconcerned about what had - or rather, hadn't - transpired between them as he'd been last time. He wasn't quite as energetic or cheerful as last time, but then again, he'd had less sleep. It was evident in the slight drag of his steps as he moved around the place, getting ready for another day of school he despised. He'd told Auron plenty of times he'd much rather stay at home all day and play blitzball, but Auron made him go anyways.

"Auron, I don't feel good."

"You're just tired."

"I think I'm sick," Tidus said, and indeed his voice did sound listless, nothing at all like his usual carefree self. Auron frowned, trying to decide if Tidus was just faking to get out of his school. He'd tried a few times in the past, though Auron had always caught on immediately and made him go to school anyways. This, however, didn't seem to be like those times at all. Tidus was just sitting there at the table, not eating, and his face did look a bit flushed with fever.

"Go lay down then," Auron commanded him, somewhat gruffly. A sick Tidus was something he rarely dealt with, and he wasn't sure just how to handle it. "I'll bring you some potion in a bit."

Tidus didn't even make a face at the promise of potion, which he normally protested against with a passion. Instead, he just gave a faint nod, sliding off his chair and walking slowly back to his room, looking for all the world like he was about to collapse. Auron watched him go, a worried expression crossing his features briefly; he inwardly groaned. It should be Jecht here taking care of his sick son, not him. What did he know about sick teenagers? Tidus had been sick maybe twice before in all the time Auron had been raising him, and that was your simple if somewhat gross "throw-up-now-I'm-feeling-much-better" sickness. This lethargic and languid not caring about anything around him Tidus was something he'd never seen before, and didn't have the first clue on what to do about it.

xxx

He spent most of the day keeping vigil beside the boy, who was sleeping rather fitfully, tossing and turning in his fever-induced sleep. He tried not to, but with little else to do he soon found himself staring at Tidus, the simple action that had gotten him into this... whatever it was, in the first place. It wasn't a mess, not reallybut it was awkward. Anyway, he was staring, and though he knew he shouldn't he couldn't seem to help himself.

He was thinking back to last night, on the docks. He told Tidus, as best as he knew how, that the answer was no, and would always be no. Tidus had been hurt, that was understandable, but he seemed to accept the answer without much protest. Auron didn't know if that was because Tidus finally knew he wouldn't get to 'have' Auron, or if it was because he was simply waiting until an opportune time to try again. He hoped it was the former. He hoped that desperately, because he knew his control was slipping. Every day, every hour, every _second_, spent around Tidus was sheer torture for him. He wanted Tidus, oh how he _wanted_ him. Being near the blond - it was all he could do _not_ to think of wanting him. Nor was Tidus helping matters, by offering himself so brazenly to Auron. Tidus had made it clear what he wanted - Auron - and now he was suddenly a different person. Not that you'd notice it at a first glance; it was more subtle than that. But Auron had lived with the boy for eight years now, he knew Tidus. And Tidus had changed now. Mostly it was just little hints he'd drop; he'd made it a point to come out of the shower wearing nothing but those damned too-small shorts, and he'd walk around topless a lot. He'd purposely search Auron out from hiding and talk at him nonstop, bouncing all around the man or sitting right up next to him so that Auron was forced to look at him. It was as if Tidus _knew_ Auron's control was slipping, and he was doing everything in his power to push Auron over the edge and get what he wanted. In short, Tidus was playing with fire, and Auron was afraid he'd burn him. But he was just a child, as he constantly had to remind himself. No matter how fast he was growing up, or how he acted around Auron, he was still just a boy, a few years away yet from being an adult. Still innocent and simple in his expectations and needs, still young enough that he could view the world around him in terms of black and white and not see there being anything else or even anything wrong with there being nothing else. He was a child, and just as immature and superficial as any other fifteen year old boy, and it was not right for Auron to want him so. Which is why he told himself over and over - forget it. No matter what Tidus thought he wanted, he didn't truly know or understand, and it would be more than stupid to let himself give in. It could cause many problems and regrets, and that was the last thing Auron needed. If, indeed, he was to take the boy back to Spira eventually, as Jecht had hoped eight years ago, it would not do them good to be estranged to each other due to a careless mistake on Auron's part. No, he had to keep his distance, even if it hurt them both. He just didn't know how he was supposed to do that anymore. Not with Tidus so openly aware of his attraction - and dealing with one of his own, apparently. If nothing else though, he had to think of Jecht. Not what there would be with Jecht, for he knew there would never be anything else. Rather, he needed to think of what once was. It wouldn't be right for him to become involved with Tidus after having been involved with Tidus' father eight years ago. And he'd had his misgivings about that.

It didn't matter. He was thinking too much. He always thought too much. Everyone had said so. Even Jecht, and Jecht had only known him so long. But then, Jecht had known him best..better even than Kinoc, or his mother perhaps, or Braska. It was Jecht he had known the least amount of time, but in the end it was Jecht who had known him better than anyone else.

"No..."

At the sound of his voice, Auron looked over at Tidus, who had foregone tossing and turning to lie curled up in a fetal position instead, the blankets shoved off him and one pillow knocked to the floor while the other had somehow ended up near his feet. His eyes were squeezed shut, and he was sweating slightly. A nightmare, most likely. Tidus rarely seemed to have them but when he did they always left the boy vaguely disturbed for days. Auron had no idea what he dreamed about; Tidus wouldn't tell him and Auron had never dared ask.

"No!" Tidus repeated, louder and with more force. His body tried to curl up tighter into itself, and Auron decided to wake him.

"Tidus," he said, knowing how pointless that was. Hesitantly, he reached out a hand to touch the boy's shoulder, inwardly cursing himself for reaching this point. Just a few years ago he wouldn't have thought twice about touching Tidus. Then again, a few years ago he hadn't been attracted to Tidus. He put his hand down, lightly shaking the blond, hoping to wake him. "Tidus," he said again. "Wake up."

Tidus moaned and tried to turn over on his other side, but Auron wouldn't let him. He'd seen the betraying flutter of Tidus' eyelids, and knew the boy was waking. A few more insistent shakes, and Tidus opened his eyes, reluctantly, groaning as the dim light of the lamp hit them. He threw an arm over his face to shield the light. "I dreamed about Jecht," he said without preamble.

It took Auron completely by surprise. "Jecht?" he asked stupidly, as if he'd never heard of the man.

"Yeah." Tidus removed his arm and rolled his head over to look at Auron. "I dreamed he was a monster in your world, a big horrible ugly-looking monster. And he liked to kill people. He wanted me to kill him, but I wouldn't. I told him no."

Auron could only look at him, feeling distinctly uneasy as Tidus related his dream. He'd never told Tidus the truth about what Jecht had become and where he was. Why, or rather, _how_, had Tidus dreamed that? What would he think if he knew his dream was more than a dream, was actually pretty damn close to the truth of Jecht's so-called demise? He wouldn't tell Tidus yet though. Whatever he may have dreamed, Tidus still wasn't ready to know the truth. "Are you feeling any better?" he asked, just to be saying something, considering the boy still looked deathly pale and probably didn't feel all that great.

Tidus accepted the subject change easily enough; he shrugged and covered his eyes with his arm again. "Somewhat," he told Auron. "I feel both hot and cold though.."

"It's the fever. We're out of potion, I'm sorry."

"Don't care," Tidus mumbled. "Don't like that stuff anyway. 's too bittersweet.."

Auron gave a low chuckle at that. This Tidus was a bit more like the Tidus he was used to, though Tidus was far from violently protesting against potion as he normally would be. If he ever made it to Spira, he'd have to learn to get used to potion in a hurry.

"Auron?" Tidus asked, still half-mumbling his words, already close to sleep again.

"What, Tidus?" Auron asked, thinking he was glad Tidus was sick if it meant less questions, and then he was immediately ashamed of himself for thinking such a thing.

"How come you don't like me? Is it 'cause I'm annoyin'?"

"What makes you think I don't like you?" Auron asked him, startled, his eye blinking somewhat rapidly in surprise.

"I don't know.. 'cause you're holding back and I don't know why.."

This was not the time to be having this conversation. Not when Tidus was half-asleep and possibly not fully aware of what he was saying. Still, Auron didn't see any way out of it, he already felt bad enough about dismissing Tidus' dream of Jecht so callously. "It doesn't mean I don't like you," Auron said, wondering if he'd regret it later. Hoping he wouldn't, but knowing he probably would. He damned Jecht all over again for asking this of him. And he damned himself once more for agreeing.

"Then why..." Tidus started, the rest of his words drowned out in a large yawn. He tried again. "Then why won't you... I don't understand, that's all.." He opened his eyes and struggled to prop himself up on his elbows, looking over at Auron. "You say it's because I'm fifteen. You say it's because you're my guardian. You say it's because I don't know what I want, as if you were me and you really know what I want and what I don't. You say it's because you're doing what's best for me. You seem to have a million and one excuses for saying no. But that's all they are. Excuses. And you know it, and until you give me a real, solid reason for saying no, then I'm going to keep at it until you say yes."

Auron only looked at him. What could he say? He knew that they were all excuses, as true as they may be. But there was no way he would ever be able to explain the main reason behind his refusal and not have Tidus hate him for it. Tidus hated Jecht, which was understandable. Jecht had had no clue how to raise his small son, and he'd not done a very good job. Then he disappeared on them when Tidus was just seven years old. Tidus blamed him for that, and for the subsequent death of his mother. Auron had been about the only stable, good thing in his life then. Finding out the man he admired most and the man he hated most had been together in an intimate relationship would be a betrayal to him.

Tidus sat all the way up, still watching Auron, waiting for a reply of some sort, though Auron had none to give him. "Auron?" he said softly. He reached out a hand, as if to touch Auron's cheek. "Please.."

Auron grabbed his hand, staying it, holding it away from him, but not letting go. Just this small bit. He'd give Tidus this small bit. "I'm sorry." So inadequate, those two words. How little they conveyed intense regret, pain, apology. But there was nothing else. Nothing else he could say. Those two little words would have to do, though they were hardly satisfying. He knew that, and yet he said it anyways. Nothing else.

Tidus didn't take his hand away. "What else is there?" he asked softly, eyes searching Auron's face, as if hoping to find what he sought in that stoically impassive expression. "What else are you keeping from me? What other reason are you hiding?"

"There is nothing else!" Auron growled at him, irrationally angry with Tidus for being able to read him so easily when he worked so damned hard to let nothing show, to let nothing slip through. He let go of Tidus' hand, took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. Getting angry would help nothing. Getting angry would only confirm that there _was_ something else. Something he'd never tell, no matter what.

He expected Tidus to get angry, to yell back at him, because Tidus lost his temper far more often than Auron ever lost his anymore, but instead Tidus merely bit down on his lip, turning away as he lay back down, pulling the covers up over him. "I'm going to sleep. Shut the door on your way out."

So that was it. A dismissal. He supposed he deserved it.

xxx

Tidus was sick for the next three days. He spent most of the first two days alternately sleeping and dreaming. Auron spent most of that time sitting by his bed and stubbornly refusing to let himself think of certain subjects. By the third day, Tidus was up and moving about the place. By the next week, he was back to his normal energetic self, running around talking at Auron nonstop and attending four-hour long blitz practices daily.

Nothing more was said about their bedside conversation. Like both times before, Tidus was able to easily brush it aside, attach little importance to the matter. It frustrated Auron like crazy that the blond could do this, because he was never able to do it himself. Each incident was another push in the wrong direction, and his control slipped just a little bit more.

He couldn't help but wonder, though, just why Tidus was so intent on getting Auron to sleep with him. It wasn't that he wondered what Tidus saw in him (though, it must be confessed, that thought had crossed his mind on more than one occassion); rather, he wondered why Tidus persisted in bringing it up time after time despite Auron's constantly turning him down. Was it just the sex he wanted? After all, Tidus was fifteen, weren't teenage boys supposed to think about sex a lot? If that was the case, why not just go to one of his friends or teammates or something if sex was really all he wanted? Why him, a man who was twice Tidus' age and his guardian besides? What exactly was it that Tidus wanted from him? He'd said before he wasn't 'stupid enough to think it was love', but what _did_ he think it was? Was it curiousity, lust, loneliness, frustration? Something else that even Tidus didn't know for sure what it was? He couldn't figure it out, couldn't understand what it was about him that Tidus wanted. Nor did he want to bring it up with Tidus. Their relationship was already precarious enough as it was.

He spent a lot of time wondering, too, just what Jecht would think of him for falling into lust with his son. Even if he and Jecht _hadn't_ gotten into an involved relationship, it was still a betrayal. He had promised to watch over Tidus because Jecht couldn't do it. That meant looking after Tidus, raising him, protecting him. He was failing miserably in protecting Tidus from himself. He could forgive the boy his attraction; after all, he was a teenage boy who was having to grow up and cope with his hormones for the first time. It was understandable he wouldn't quite know what he wanted or get confused about what he felt for the man who had raised him and yet wasn't his father. But for Auron to want that boy back - unforgiveable. He couldn't forgive himself for it, how could he expect Jecht to forgive him? And Jecht would know, if he saw Auron again. Tidus wouldn't even have to be around. Just one look at Auron and Jecht would know immediately just how far Auron had fallen. Jecht had always been able to read him easily. He didn't know if that was because of the closeness their journey demanded, or if it was brought about by something else. He'd never bothered to try and understand it, there were just some things you were better off not knowing.

xxx

Months passed. Tidus quit high school and their blitz team, all in favour of joining the Zanarkand Abes to play professionally. He became the youngest player in the history of Zanarkand to join a professional team, a fact which thrilled him immensely. He didn't, however, let it go to his head. Auron merely sat back and let these changes happen, feeling a bit apprehensive about the whole thing but knowing it was what Tidus wanted, and what Jecht had wanted for him.

He never stopped wanting. In fact, the lust he felt for Tidus only seemed to intensify as time went on, brought about by a combination of the changes Tidus' body went through as he grew, and the subtle but somewhat clumsy ways in which Tidus still tried to seduce him, to change Auron's mind. He was barely managing to hold on to his control these days, and he found himself glad for the long hours professional playing required of Tidus. But still, something had to give. He knew that he wouldn't be able to hold out much longer, and the thought terrified him. Regardless of what Tidus thought he wanted, if Auron let himself give in, it could change everything between them, destroy the relationship he'd carefully built the past eight and a half years. And that was something he could not afford, not for anything.

Tidus hadn't actually said anything again about it. It was as if, by dismissing him from the room that night, Tidus had closed the door on the subject, knowing that if he were to cause Auron a loss of control, it wouldn't be through talking. Auron had been glad about that, one of his biggest worries was that Tidus would press and press the subject until his relationship with Jecht came out, the relationship Tidus would never forgive him for.

He'd considered moving out. Now that Tidus was playing professionally, he was earning money, supporting himself. He would survive, and then Auron wouldn't have to worry about Tidus seducing him anymore. But he knew he'd never be able to bring himself to do it. Tidus may have been playing with the Abes, but he was still just a child. Still far from adulthood, and still needing someone to look out for him and take care of him. He still needed someone to cling to, and Auron couldn't deny him that.

A forcible slam of the door suddenly echoed throughout the houseboat, interrupting Auron's musings. He looked up in what was half mild surprise, half mild irritation at being interrupted, as Tidus stormed in the room, a scowl spread across his entire face. Plunking himself down on the couch next to Auron, he glared sullenly at the wall beside him and stubbornly refused to speak about what was wrong, obviously wanting attention and waiting for Auron to ask him. Auron almost would have thought he was just putting on a show, but the furious blinking of his eyes as he tried desperately to hold back tears gave him away. Still, Auron did not ask. If Tidus really wished him to know, then he would share the information when he was ready. For the moment, he was content to turn his attention back to the book he held in his hands and pretend to read it while his thoughts invariably turned musing once more.

What he couldn't help thinking about now was Jecht, and how Tidus looked just like him when angered. Auron hadn't seen Jecht angry often; in fact, it had happened only twice throughout their entire journey. He always displayed a dazzling variety of other emotions as they traveled in and about Spira, but rarely had he gotten angry. One of those two times, it had been directed at Auron.

They'd argued. Of course they had. They mut have spent half of the pilgrimage arguing. It was a wonder Braska could stand to put up with it. But never before had Jecht been angry when they'd argued. No, that wasn't Jecht's style. Jecht was the type to remain cool, calm, and collected in an argument no matter how heated things got, and he was always able to laugh it off afterwards. At first Auron had thought this was because the man was older, that he'd had more practice at controlling his temper. But as he gradually came to know Jecht, he understood that was just the way he was, that it wasn't in his nature to get angry, or upset. Cocky, arrogant, and brash - yes. That and more Jecht definitely was. But not hot-headed. Auron had been the hot-headed one then.

It had been a stupid argument, over something silly and pointless, though it had seemed largely significant at the time. They'd been walking along the bank of the Moonflow, heading for the shoopuf dock so they could cross along to the other side. Braska had told Jecht some days earlier about the Moonflow, and how it looked at night. Somehow Jecht had gotten it into his head that they absolutely had to stop and stay there for the night, so they could see the pyreflies flitting about the Moonlilies, and everything all lit up. He'd wanted to see it because there'd never been such a thing in Zanarkand. Auron had been angry, thought it was a waste of time and that they must press on in their journey and not stop to linger over such foolishness. So they'd argued, and for the first time ever, Jecht had gotten angry. Visibly angry. Even Braska had been surprised. In the face of that anger, Auron had gave in. He was almost afraid not to. It wasn't even a drunken anger - Jecht had been sober for once. Perhaps that was why he'd actually gotten angry. Perhaps he could only get angry when he wasn't drunk off his ass. He still didn't know. They'd stopped and set up camp near the bank then, and Jecht had stalked off to be alone for a bit. When he came back he was his normal, cheerful self - or mostly. An aura of melancholy had seemed to linger about him, very well concealed. Auron doubted Braska had caught it. He wasn't even sure he'd seen it himself, and it had quickly disappeared as Jecht had wasted no time losing himself in his alcohol again. Nothing was ever said about the argument, or Jecht's anger. But Auron had never forgotten it.

The difference with Tidus though, was that Tidus often got angry, and easily. He could get angry over the littlest, most unimportant things, and while that anger lasted it was fierce and strong and very obvious. When Tidus was angry, you _knew_ he was angry. And once it was gone, it was gone all at once, as if it had never existed in the first place. If the anger had been directed at a person, the second he was no longer angry, he'd be his same cheerful kind self to whoever had made him mad. Auron had seen it countless times, Tidus angry at him over the years as he'd grown up.

"Auron?" Tidus spoke up suddenly, startling him. He'd actually forgotten Tidus was next to him. "Why do people all have to be stupid?"

Auron chuckled slightly. "What do you mean?"

Tidus shrugged and looked at the man near him for the first time that evening. His face was more a pout than anything else, but Auron could still how upset he still was. "People are just stupid," he said decisively, almost defiantly.

"Come on. Why do you say that?" Auron asked, encouraging him to keep talking, to explain what was bothering him.

Tidus just shook his head, a few tears sliding down his cheeks. He angrily wiped them away, embarrassed at crying in front of Auron. "It's just.. aw, it's stupid. I'm sorry. Never mind." He stood abruptly, as if to leave. Without thinking about it, Auron reached out and grabbed his wrist, causing Tidus to look at him in some surprise. Auron hadn't voluntarily touched Tidus in six months. "Sit," Auron prompted him, speaking somewhat gruffly as he quickly let go of the boy.

Tidus bit his lip, looking at Auron a moment, and then sat back down beside him, closer than before. Auron pretended not to notice this. "Now. Explain," Auron said, the tone of his voice kinder than the words themselves.

"It's nothing, really Auron..." Tidus said weakly, trailing off as Auron looked at him, eye just visible over his dark glasses. The blond nervously began to finger the sleeve of his shirt, looking down at it and focusing on that instead of his guardian. "Well... some of the guys on the team were talking to me tonight.." he shrugged again, helplessly. Auron waited for him to go on. "I guess.. I don't think they really meant anything by it, but a few of them were saying how they were surprised at how well I could play, since I was so young 'n all. And then this other guy cuts in and says it wasn't all that great, that I should start playing more like Jecht because Jecht was amazing and I was nothing compared to him.." he stopped again, and looked back up at Auron. "See? I said it was stupid. I just - I'm gonna go." He got up once more, heading for his room.

Auron watched him go for a moment, and then decided to go after him. Whether it was really stupid or not didn't matter - it was important to Tidus, and _that_ was what mattered. He went to the boy's room and stood just in the doorway. "Tidus."

Tidus looked up at him. "Yeah?"

"It isn't stupid."

Tidus remained silent, lowering his head, blond locks falling in his eyes. He dug through a pile of clothes on his bed, looking for something comfortable to sleep in.

"I told you this before. Forget about Jecht's talent in blitzball. Focus on your own instead. Play however you want, just play well. Ignore what other people tell you. Don't let their words hurt. Understand?" Auron sighed when Tidus still didn't answer him. "Tidus, you know you can play blitzball very well. I've seen it for myself. And you wouldn't have made the Abes if you didn't have any talent."

"Yeah? Well maybe they just hired me because of who my old man was!" Tidus shot back, anger coming back full force. He snatched up some clothes, and started pulling his shirt over his head. Auron tried not to stare. "Besides," Tidus went on. "You've told me numerous times you've never played. How would you really know anything about how well I can play? And how can you compare me to Jecht's skill? Unless you watched Jecht."

Now it was Auron's turn to remain silent. He should have known talk of Jecht would lead to this. And he was tired of making excuses, tired of lying to the boy.

"Auron, please!" Tidus pleaded, sounding desperate. "I can't stand it any more! I can't stand any of this! I hate not knowing, I hate that you know and refuse to tell me _anything_ about him, no matter how times I ask. I'm always dreaming about him, you know? I'm always wondering what happened to him and if he really is as dead as everyone says, and I hate it!"

"What do you want me to say?" Auron demanded, suddenly angry himself. "He was a drunken, arrogant, cocky, over-confident, talkative egotistic man, and I only knew him for six months. _Six months_. He spent most of that time talking about his son. His crybaby, runt of a son who he wanted to make into a blitz star like himself. He didn't shut up about you, Tidus. He missed you like crazy. He may not have known how to be a good father, but he still ca-"

"Stop!" Tidus sounded shaken. "Just stop."

"Why? It's what you wanted, isn't it? For me to talk about Jecht?" He was being cruel, he knew, and yet he couldn't seem to stop.

Tidus swallowed, and stood there, still half-undressed, clothes in his hand forgotten. "You're wrong," he said, voice lacking conviction. "He hated me. He didn't care about me at all, except to tease me for laughs when he was drunk. He wouldn't have missed me, or talked about me."

Auron came over to him, looking down at him. "I can't make you believe me," he said.

"Good. Because I don't." Tidus paused for a moment. "Is he really dead, though?"

Auron didn't hesitate. "Yes." Useless, to explain about Sin. Jecht was as good as dead, anyways. He'd never be human again, and once the next Summoner killed him, he'd be gone forever. Gone to the Farplane, to join Braska.

"Oh." At last Tidus seemed to remember he'd been changing. He slipped on the t-shirt he'd been holding in his hands, and then pulled on a pair of sleeping shorts as well, not caring that Auron was in the room watching him. He said nothing more about Jecht, Auron's words perhaps having thrown him off.

Auron knew that he should leave then, before he invited any further conversation, but for some reason he found he couldn't seem to make himself go. So he stood there, still watching Tidus who by now had walked over to the window, staring outside into the dark night.

Eventually Tidus spoke again. "Does Jecht have anything to do with your refusing me?"

Auron went very still, glad that Tidus' back was to him so he couldn't see the shock on his face. He sucked in a quick, quiet breath, rendered speechless, without any idea what to say. Deny. He had to deny it. "Jecht has nothing to do with it." It was a lie. Jecht had everything to do with it, and apparently they both knew it. But Tidus nodded, accepting this lie peacefully.

"Then you don't really have a reason for refusing me, do you," Tidus said matter-of-factly as he backed away from the window somewhat, turning his blue eyes back on Auron.

Without being aware that he was going to do it, and without hardly even being aware that he _was_ doing it, Auron pounced. He pinned Tidus to the floor beneath him, knees on either side of Tidus' legs, hands gripping his shoulders roughly, watching as the boy's eyes went wide with shock, breath knocked out of him as his back hit the hard floor. Even now, he was beautiful, and Auron couldn't take his eye off of him. "Why do you want this so bad?" Auron growled at him.

Tidus continued to regard him with eyes still wide. He didn't move to get out of Auron's hold on him. "I.. I can't answer that. I don't know the answer. I just _do_, is all."

Auron gazed at him for long moments, knowing all control was gone now, knowing he should just get up and leave, knowing he wouldn't, knowing already what was going to happen. Damn the boy for being so persistent. Damn himself for allowing him to want Tidus. Damn Jecht the millionth time for asking this of him. He let go of one of Tidus' shoulders, hand moving to trace the contours of Tidus' cheek, finger nothing more than the lightest of touches. "This," he asked, still growling, "is this what you really want?"

Tidus only nodded, not daring to speak.

Auron allowed himself to look at Tidus for a moment longer, neither of them moving or speaking. He knew he'd most likely regret it in the morning, but it was too late. There was no turning back now. He didn't want to turn back. All those years of wanting Tidus, and constantly resisting that lust, had only steadily fed the flames and made him want Tidus more than ever. And Tidus had added to it, pushing and prodding over and over, until he finally broke, all lack of control and not caring. _He didn't care._

He didn't let himself think about it. He brought his face down, and he kissed Tidus. And Tidus kissed him back, and nothing else mattered.

_end chapter two_

Author's Notes: Geeze, that took forever to write :o Stupid stubborn chapter, being difficult. Heheh. Actually, I was going to write the above as full-blown sex scene, but then I changed my mind. I like it better this way. Sex would have made the story seem cheap and tawdry :(  
Whatever. There will be a chapter three for this, though I haven't quite decided what I want it to focus on yet. So. Hope this chapter was satisfying? And if it wasn't, too bad. I liked it, and that's all that matters :P


	3. everything is fine

Disclaimer: Square's.

Author's Notes: Sorry this took so long. Things... excuses... faulty word programs... But yes, it was always meant to be this short. It's uh... a "transitional" chapter I guess.

Horizon Road  
by: butterflie  
chapter three : everything is fine

Regret.

It was the only thing he could feel, the regret that was eating away at him. If anything, he thought perhaps he should be feeling shame, but he felt none. He couldn't even summon up vague semblances of chagrin; everything else was washed out by the intense regret.

He shouldn't have done it. **He shouldn't have done it**. He'd known that, and he'd went ahead and done it anyway. He'd given in, and he'd slept with Tidus. A fifteen year old boy, for Yevon's sake. A boy he had promised to look out for and protect. But he'd broken the promise now. What had he been thinking?

He hadn't, of course. That was the problem. He'd let his body make the decisions last night, and his mind had decided to wander off to the Farplane or something in the meantime. And the mistake of that would be costly. Oh sure, he apparently hadn't cared last night, but what was to happen now? Auron didn't know. He had no clue what to do next. There were really only two options that he saw. One, insane as it sounded, was to allow some kind of new relationship to form between him and the boy. It was stupid, and could only be based on lust, and could never amount to anything, and yet... it was what he wanted to do. Then, the other option would be to pretend last night had never happened, because it was a mistake, and it could never happen again. It would hurt Tidus, sure, but it really was the better option. But... was it the right thing to do? Again, he didn't know.

Tidus was currently sleeping next to him in the bed. At some point during the previous night Auron had at least the sense enough to move them to Tidus' bed, knowing the floor was extremely uncomfortable. And so that was where they had wound up falling asleep, though to be sure the bed was rather small and just barely held the both of them. He was practically falling off the edge. Still, he didn't move. Knowing that what was to come in the next hours would be painful for the both of them, and at the least he wanted Tidus to have the small pleasure of waking up next to him.

Being careful not to wake or disturb the boy, Auron sat up in the bed, looking down at the sleeping blond. Even in his sleep he was quite beautiful to look at, and Auron suddenly found he couldn't take his eye off him. He looked nothing like Jecht in sleep. Jecht had been the type to have limbs all splayed out, mouth hanging open slightly, tossing and turning throughout the night. He was impossible to share a bed with, that is to say, at least when he actually expected sleep. Tidus, on the other hand, was very still as he slept. Auron had watched him countless times, for countless hours. Unless he was having a nightmare, the boy rarely moved. He could fall asleep in one position and wake that way ten hours later. He'd moved at some point during this night though, or else Auron had unconsciously pushed him away from where he'd fallen asleep curled up next to him. Now he was on his back, body just barely brushing up against Auron's. His chest was moving up and down slightly as he breathed, and the arm opposite Auron was draped over his chest. His hair was a mess, random sweaty strands clinging to his face. He wasn't dressed, obviously.

His mind drifted back to last night as his eye absently trailed down the length of Tidus' body, stirring in him a lazy sort of lust that didn't last long as regret put him back in his place. Sleeping with Tidus had been nothing like sleeping with Jecht, of course. Jecht had never been with another man, but to admit so would have been a bruise to Jecht's mighty ego. He'd exhibited nothing but confidence and a take-charge kind of attitude the first time they'd slept together. And Jecht had only gotten bolder in their relationship as time went on and the end of the pilgrimage drew near. Tidus though, for all his somewhat clumsy seduction attempts and pleadings with Auron to give into what they both wanted, had been rather shy and unsure of himself in bed, nervous about his first time and at a loss for what to do. And then there was also the fact that he wasn't Jecht. That was the biggest difference of all.

Next to him, Tidus stirred slightly and Auron felt a slight twinge of nervous anticipation as he watched the boy, waiting for signs that he was waking. He didn't want Tidus to wake yet. It was too soon. He'd expected at least another hour, an hour in which he'd wanted to use to gather his thoughts and try to decide just what to say to Tidus that would hurt the boy the least. But it looked like he wasn't going to be granted that time after all, for Tidus' eyes were slowly coming open, blinking lazily as he emerged from his slumber. Auron remained still, watching him as he oriented himself to his surroundings, trying to adjust to the fact that it was morning. He seemed somewhat surprised but nonetheless pleased when he realized Auron was still next to him. "Morning," Tidus said to him, offering a small and tentative smile.

"Morning," Auron responded gruffly, not smiling back. He watched the smile drop off Tidus' face and inwardly winced, already feeling bad about it. The morning was going to be rough and painful indeed. Even if he was about to hurt Tidus deeply, it couldn't kill him to be nice to the poor boy.

Tidus sat up without another word, sliding himself out of his bed and practically running out of the room to the bathroom, obviously wanting to get away from Auron and try to figure out just how upset Auron was with him.

Auron watched him go somewhat uneasily, wondering if perhaps he should say something, stop Tidus from leaving and making the already uncomfortable situation worse. But before he could even start to make up his mind, the bathroom door was slamming shut, with Tidus in there. Auron let out a sigh. Then he swore softly. Why, oh _why_ hadn't he been stronger last night, and kept his damn desire in check? If he had, Tidus and he wouldn't be in this situation now. And he wouldn't have to be sitting here trying to figure out what the hell to say. 'Tidus, I never should have slept with you'? Simple and to the point. But it would also be a slap to the face. He couldn't say it like that. 'Last night was a mistake'? He shook his head. Still too blunt. He was really no good at this 'putting it delicately' thing. Pointless. Putting things delicately got you nowhere in Spira.

After another moment of useless thinking, Auron got out of the bed, feeling his aching muscles scream in protest. He reminded himself never to sleep in Tidus' bed again. It was just too damn small to hold him comfortably. He left the room, heading down the hall to the room that was once Jecht's and now his, knowing it would be a good idea to get dressed before he talked to Tidus. It didn't take long for him to get dressed, having forgone his red robes in favour of something more Zanarkanian. Something Tidus might be able to take him a little more seriously in. Once he had clothes again, he discovered that Tidus was still locked up in the bathroom showering, so he went downstairs to wait, knowing Tidus would have to come down there eventually.

But Tidus didn't come down. He chose to spend the day up in his room instead, hiding, until Auron finally realized that he'd have to go back up there after Tidus and insist on their talking about it. Tidus would fight it at first, perhaps, but there really was no avoiding it. He couldn't let things get awkward between them because of one night, a night that was nothing more than a foolish mistake on his part. He sighed softly to himself, and squared his shoulders, bracing himself for what was to come as he stood, starting to make his way towards the stairs. But when he reached them, looking up, Tidus was sitting there on the landing, knees pulled up to his chest and his arms wrapped around them protectively. His head was buried in his knees, and all Auron could see was a mop of blond hair. "What are you doing?"

Tidus did not look up, choosing instead to speak to his knees. "Trying to get brave."

"For what?" Auron asked, listening carefully to Tidus' voice. It sounded as if the boy had been crying. He involuntarily clenched his hands into fists, telling himself he should have come after Tidus sooner. Much sooner.

"To go downstairs," came the somewhat muffled reply.

Auron sighed again, and went up the stairs, arranging himself rather awkwardly next to Tidus once he reached the landing; the narrow hallway was really too small for them to both sit comfortably, and Auron didn't usually sit on floors anyways. "Why are you scared to go downstairs?" he asked a bit gruffly once he'd got situated.

Now Tidus did lift his head, and Auron could see he had in fact been crying--the boy's face was red and splotchy with drying tears. "You're mad at me," he said, voice trembling slightly, "for last night."

A third sigh. "I'm mad at me. Not you."

"Why?" Tidus queried, curiously. "It was me... I kept pushing you."

What to say? He'd reached the point of no return now, and he was still clueless on how to put it to Tidus. He'd had hours to think about it, and he'd come up with nothing.

"Auron?" Tidus pressed gently, insistently. Still pushing him, even now. Still wanting more than what he had, always. In that sense, he was nothing like Jecht.

"I meant what I said before." The words came out of his mouth on their own accord, without his realizing what he was going to say. Outwardly, he watched Tidus calmly for a reaction, though inside he was anything but calm. So many different emotions were tumbling around inside him, things he hadn't felt since he'd left Spira, riding Sin to Zanarkand to watch over this boy beside him. And still, overriding everything else was the regret. The regret that would probably never leave him, no matter what happened in the end.

"Before? Which was... what? You said a lot of things before, Auron." It was a somewhat ironic statement, but if Tidus realized that, he didn't seem to care. He had sat up straight now, and the expression on his face as he looked at the older man reflected only seriousness.

"I believe you called them excuses," Auron told him, not wanting to have to say them out loud again, knowing just how foolish they would sound, especially in light of what had taken place last night.

If Tidus was hurt by the words, he didn't show it. His face never changed, for once remaining as stoic and impassive as Auron's. "You still offer them even now?"

"Yes." Because he couldn't afford to offer anything else.

"And Jecht?" Tidus' voice was not _quite_ steady.

"What about him?"

"He has nothing to do with this?"

"No," Auron said, not liking the lie any more than he had the previous times. If he wasn't so afraid that it would completely destroy their relationship, then Auron would have told him. He knew it wasn't fair to keep the truths and secrets about Jecht to himself, to not tell Jecht's own son, but he didn't really see that he had any other choice. Perhaps if Tidus wasn't so intent on hating his father so much, he would have felt more comfortable telling him.

"I still don't know whether or not to believe you on that," Tidus murmured, looking away again.

Auron remained silent on that, knowing that there was nothing he could say that would make Tidus believe him. Nor did he really want to convince him, since it wasn't even true. Still, he was glad the conversation had diverted to Jecht, if only momentarily. Much preferable to talking about the mistake of last night.

Tidus was silent for a bit as well, thinking, head propped up on arms propped up on knees. He seemed content to sit there motionless without a word, while Auron grew uncomfortable beside him. It was almost amusing, to see their roles so reserved.

"Well," Tidus said at last, climbing to his feet. "I'm hungry. I think I'll head downstairs and get something to eat. You comin'?"

Auron only shook his head, and watched him go. So Tidus was going to push it aside, pretend the conversation and the previous night never happened?

It was probably for the best.

_end chapter three_

Author's Notes: I have no clue when chapter four will come out, so please don't bug me! I'll resume writing once I work out _exactly_ where I want this story to go, because I made the stupid mistake of writing it when I only had a vague idea. Suffice it to say, there will be some Tidus/Yuna in following chapters. Happy holidays!


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